


Ttyl.

by Walruskin



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Anorexia, Explicit Language, Gen, Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Sexual Content, Teen Angst, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:30:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4221801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walruskin/pseuds/Walruskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school's rough for SpongeBob. He has unresolved tension with a girl who has a dire secret. His best friend has a hidden sinful nature. Two of his friends are meant to be together, and everyone sees it but them. One is addicted to sex. And SpongeBob, well, he's just trying to figure out where he belongs. Who is he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  * _Scene opens up to an alarm clock at 6:59. SpongeBob is snoring in bed, and the alarm goes off when it reaches 7:00. SpongeBob stretches, climbs out of bed, does some pushups, and goes downstairs where his mom and stepdad are, eating breakfast._
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : Good morning, sweetheart.
  * **SpongeBob's Stepdad** : Oh, so he  _finally_  decided to get out of bed.
  * **SpongeBob** : Piss off, Frank, you're not killing my good mood.  _(puts a piece of bread in the toaster)_
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : SpongeBob! Apologize to your dad right now!
  * **SpongeBob** : He's not my dad. Jesus, just let me get some toast before I have to go to school.
  * **Frank** :  _(standing up)_  You wanna be a smartass with me? Just because you're sixteen doesn't mean I can beat your ass into-
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : Sit down, Frank.
  * _Frank heads into the other room to cool down._
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : Why do you always have to provoke him?
  * **SpongeBob** : Why does he have to be such an asshole?
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : Well, if you'd stay out of each other's way...
  * **SpongeBob** : I try to! He started something, so I threw it right back at him! Why are you trying to fill the void after Dad left with someone like  _him_?
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : He's a respectful man with good money!
  * **SpongeBob** : That doesn't change the fact that he's a  _prick_!
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : I won't talk to you with an attitude like that.  _(looks down, ignoring SpongeBob and resuming her breakfast)_
  * **SpongeBob** : Neither will I.  _(SpongeBob's toast pops out of toaster, and his phone dings in his pocket. SpongeBob picks up the phone to see a text message from Patrick.)_
  * _We need to talk. Meet me in the restroom after first period. Ttyl._
  * **SpongeBob** : Wonder what that's about.  _(takes a bite out of toast)_
  * _Cut to SpongeBob entering the restroom after the first period bell rings. Patrick is already in there, waiting for him by the sinks._
  * **SpongeBob** : What's up?
  * **Patrick** : You're getting laid.
  * **SpongeBob** : What?  _(thinks for a second)_  Oh, no, no, no...Patrick, we're friends and all, but I never knew you liked me in that-
  * **Patrick** : Not like that, idiot.  _(pulls a cigarette out and lights it)_  What I'm sayin' is that you're getting laid. By a girl. Within a week.
  * **SpongeBob** : Why?
  * **Patrick** :  _Why?_  Because you're turning seventeen in a week. And I can't be friends with somebody who's seventeen and a virgin.  _(takes drag off cigarette)_
  * **SpongeBob** : I just haven't found the right girl yet.
  * **Patrick** : Well, you're gonna find one. Cuz I'm having a party this weekend. Inviting a bunch of chicks.
  * **SpongeBob** : You're having a party?
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, my parents are going out of town.  _(takes another drag)_  Business trip or some shit.
  * **SpongeBob** : You're sure I can get laid  _that_  easy at a party?
  * **Patrick** : Dude, these chicks are gonna be drunk, relaxed, and  _willing_.
  * **SpongeBob** : I don't know...
  * **Patrick** :  _(after cigarette burns out, throws on ground)_  What's there not to know?
  * **SpongeBob** : I don't know if I want my first time to be some...casual screw, y'know?
  * **Patrick** :  _(laughs)_  Pussy.
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm not a pussy!
  * **Patrick** : Then prove it. Party's gonna be on Saturday. 9:00 sharp. Don't be late.  _(heading out of bathroom)_  Oh yeah, and bring a condom.  _(laughs)_
  * _SpongeBob stands in the bathroom for a while thinking after Patrick leaves, before the bell rings._
  * **SpongeBob** : Damn it!  _(runs out of bathroom)_
  * **Three days later...**
  * _Cut to SpongeBob heading downstairs where his mom and stepdad are watching television._
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm heading out.
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : Be home by midnight.
  * **Frank** : Wait a second. Where are you going?
  * **SpongeBob** : None of your concern.  _(heads out the door)_
  * **Frank** : Do you see the way that little shit talks to me? Someone's gotta teach him a lesson.
  * **SpongeBob's Mom** : He's sixteen. They all act like that.
  * _Cut to SpongeBob going towards Patrick's house. There are lots of cars outside. He enters and finds loud party music blaring as people are dancing and making out. Patrick notices SpongeBob and comes toward him._
  * **Patrick** : Sponge! Glad you could make it. Guess you're not a pussy after all.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(smirks)_  Told you.
  * **Patrick** : Anyways, we've got dancing, alcohol's over there, and strippers are over there. Eh, yo, ladies!
  * _Two young ladies with pasties over their breasts and short shorts come over to Patrick._
  * **Patrick** : Meet my friend SpongeBob.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(nervously)_  Hello, ladies.
  * _One of the strippers starts touching his hands and laughs._
  * **Stripper #1** : Such small hands...does that mean he has a small dick, too?  _(laughs)_
  * _SpongeBob blushes as the two ladies walk away laughing._
  * **Patrick** : I think they like you!
  * _Cut to Sandy sitting on a couch alone with a beer, when suddenly her phone rings._
  * **Sandy** : Hello? Mom? Where am I...what? I told you I was leaving twenty minutes ago.  _(sigh)_  I'm at Patrick's house. Love you too.  _(clicks off phone)_  Was probably too busy getting penetrated to notice.
  * _SpongeBob walks over to Sandy._
  * **Sandy** : Hey, Spongy. How's it goin'?
  * **SpongeBob** : Humiliating. Two strippers just insulted my wang size.
  * **Sandy** : Yikes, that's rough. You bored too?
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah. I only came because Patrick wanted to get me laid, but to be honest I don't see any girls here who would be interested.
  * **Sandy** : Maybe they're closer then you think.  _(smiles)_
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(smiles back)_  Yeah...maybe they're on the dance floor!  _(runs to dance floor)_
  * **Sandy** :  _(sigh)_  That wasn't what I meant.  _(takes sip of beer)_
  * _Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick dancing on the dance floor, with SpongeBob eyeing a few girls suggestively as he dances. Instead of being interested, they laugh at him. His eager smirk turns to a frown._
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(stops dancing)_  This isn't working.
  * **Patrick** : Sure it is! Dance harder.
  * **SpongeBob** : No it's not. This whole thing is bullshit.
  * **Patrick** : Don't just give up like that. We can still-
  * **SpongeBob** : No, I'm going to watch TV with the other guys.
  * _SpongeBob leaves Patrick to go into the living room, where Squilliam, Larry, and Squidward are watching TV with two bottles of vodka and some shot glasses. It's not shown what they are watching, but from the music, sighs, and moans it's obvious._
  * **Squilliam** : Hey, I thought of a game: Drink every time someone who looks like Squidward's mom pops up.
  * **Squidward** :  _(getting in Squilliam's face)_  Shut the hell up before I make you.
  * **Squilliam** :  _(gets closer to Squidward)_  Are you threatening me?
  * _Squilliam clenches his fist. Squidward flinches, and Squilliam laughs._
  * **Squilliam** : You're all talk, Squiddy.  _(takes a shot of vodka)_
  * **Squidward** : That did  _not_  look like my mom!
  * **Squilliam** : You didn't even see it!
  * **Squidward** : Yes I did, and that  **was a guy**!
  * **Squilliam** : Exactly.  _(laughs)_
  * **Squidward** : Larry, did that look like my mom?
  * **Larry** : No idea, I wasn't paying attention.
  * **Squidward** : SpongeBob?
  * **SpongeBob** : I, um...
  * **Squidward** : Oh, you're all a bunch of pricks!
  * _Patrick enters and looks at the television._
  * **Patrick** : Is that porn?
  * **Squilliam** : Yep.
  * **Patrick** : How much did that cost?
  * **Squilliam** : $19.99, before tax.
  * **Patrick** : I hate all of you.  _(looks at SpongeBob, silently sitting on the couch)_  Especially you.
  * **SpongeBob** : Hey, what did I do?!
  * **Patrick** : Shove it, cherry boy.
  * _Patrick leaves as SpongeBob gets a sad expression on his face._
  * **Larry** : What was that about?
  * **SpongeBob** : Patrick's making fun of me because I'm still a virgin.
  * **Squidward** : Wait a second, you're still a virgin? And you're  _seventeen_?
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm  _almost_  seventeen.
  * **Squidward** : Still!
  * **Squilliam** : Oh, shut up, Squidward. Like anyone with eyes has ever banged you.
  * **Squidward** : Yes, they have!
  * **Squilliam** : Yeah, what's her name?
  * **Squidward** : Squilvia.
  * **Squilliam** :  _(laughs)_  Bullshit. She's not into you.
  * **Squidward** :  _(in an angrier tone)_  Is so!
  * **Squilliam** : I've never seen her so much as take a glance at you. Your sexual fantasies don't count.  _(laughs harder, and takes another sip)_
  * **Squidward** :  **AND THAT DID NOT LOOK LIKE MY MOM!**
  * _Cut to Sandy sitting alone, when Pearl comes up to her._
  * **Pearl** : Hey. You look lonely.
  * **Sandy** : I am. And pissed.
  * **Pearl** : Why are you pissed?
  * **Sandy** : Because SpongeBob's so oblivious. So lost in his own little world. He came here to get laid, and I'm  _right here_  and he hasn't paid me any mind.
  * **Pearl** : That's rough. Hey, you want something?  _(pulls out a pill bottle with tabs in it)_
  * **Sandy** : What is it?
  * **Pearl** : Good ol' LSD. This'll make you forget all your problems.
  * **Sandy** : I dunno. I've never tried anything stronger then weed.
  * **Pearl** : C'mon, it's not bad! You'll just like, trip out for 20 minutes, and then crash.
  * **Sandy** : Well...okay.  _(takes two tabs and pops them in her mouth)_
  * **Pearl** : Alright!
  * _Long awkward silence as Sandy is frozen after taking the tabs._
  * **Pearl** : Sandy?
  * _Sandy forces Pearl into an intense make-out session, sticking her tongue down her throat. Pearl pulls back in disgust._
  * **Pearl** : What kind of weird-ass trip are you on?
  * **Sandy** : I...I...I can't feel anything.
  * **Pearl** : Sandy...
  * **Sandy** : WHY CAN'T I FEEL ANYTHING?
  * **Pearl** : Oh, shit.
  * _Sandy leans over behind her couch and vomits, then starts running around the party._
  * **Pearl** : Sandy, wait!  _(chases after her)_
  * _Sandy runs into the living room._
  * **Sandy** :  **SPIDERS! THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!**
  * **SpongeBob** : What the hell is going on?
  * **Squilliam** : Her eyes are red, man. She's high.  _(takes a shot)_
  * **Squidward** : You weren't even looking at the screen!
  * **Squilliam** : I know, I just needed a drink.  _(chuckles)_
  * **Larry** : Dude, she's foaming at the mouth. I think she's having a bad trip. I was talking to Pearl earlier and she had some tabs with her, and then her and Sandy started talking. Pearl probably offered some up to her.
  * **SpongeBob** : Do we need to get her to a hospital?
  * **Larry** : And explain we were all a party drinking and doing drugs? Hell no. Get her to a bedroom and lock the door.
  * **Sandy** :  **WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?**
  * _SpongeBob drags Sandy to Patrick's mom and dad's bedroom, as she kicks and screams along the way._
  * **Sandy** :  **WHO ARE YOU? LET GO OF ME!**
  * **SpongeBob** : Sandy, it's going to be okay.
  * **Sandy** :  **HELP! MOLESTER!**
  * _SpongeBob enters the room, closing the door behind him and placing Sandy on the bed._
  * **Sandy** :  **WHY AM I SEEING COLORS? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIFFERENT COLORS?**   _(sobs, and then falls unconscious)_
  * **SpongeBob** : That wasn't pretty. Note to self: Stick to weed.
  * _SpongeBob looks longingly at the passed out Sandy, looks behind him, and decides to peek up her skirt. He sighs in pleasure peeking at her panties until a voice behind him causes him to jump._
  * **Patrick** : Y'know, you could just screw her now.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(jumps)_  Don't scare me like that ever again.
  * **Patrick** : C'mon, just bang her. She'll never know. Do you want to be a cherry boy your whole life?
  * **SpongeBob** : Shut up.
  * **Patrick** : What?
  * **SpongeBob** :  **Shut up!**  Just because I'm a virgin doesn't give you the right to ridicule me and think you're better then me, simply because it's easy for manipulative guys like you to screw any woman you want! I'm tired of you always thinking you're the hottest shit in the world just because your parents are completely checked out of your life! No one would even be friends with a twat like you if it wasn't for the fact that your house is always open for parties!
  * _Patrick slaps SpongeBob._
  * **Patrick** : I don't think you understand how the world works, Spongy. Nice guys finish last. Which explains the reason why you're a cherry boy, and such a pussy; you're the one who thinks you're better then everyone just because you "haven't found the right girl yet". Grow the hell up, you yellow nuisance. The real world won't take sympathy on you just because they think you're cute.
  * _SpongeBob, without a comeback, huffs out angrily._
  * **Patrick** : Hey, you forgot something!
  * _No response._
  * **Patrick** : If you don't take her, I'll have my way with her body!
  * _SpongeBob reenters, takes Sandy's unconscious body with him, still angry, flipping Patrick off on the way out._
  * **Patrick** : Oh, you absolute badass.  _(laughs)_
  * _SpongeBob heads back to the couch, where the other guys are passed out on the floor, with the vodka spilled all over Squilliam. Most everyone else is passed out as well. Sandy suddenly begins to awake in SpongeBob's arms._
  * **Sandy** : S-SpongeBob? What happened?
  * **SpongeBob** : You had a bad trip. Don't do shit like that, love.
  * **Sandy** : A bad trip? I did drugs?
  * **SpongeBob** : I'll explain more to you later.  _(embraces Sandy)_  Everyone's passed out now.
  * **Sandy** : Maybe we should go home.
  * **SpongeBob** : Nah, I'm too tired.
  * **Sandy** : Okay, let's...let's just stay like this.
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah, this is nice.
  * **Sandy** : Good night, SpongeBob.
  * **SpongeBob** : Good night, Sandy.
  * _The two of them close their eyes and begin to fall asleep, as the room zooms out to a whole shot of everyone unconscious surrounded by alcohol, bongs, and vomit, with porn still going on the television. The shot zooms in to the dance floor, where Pearl is passed out, presumably after a trip of her own. Cut to Patrick sleeping alone in his mom and dad's room. Patrick's phone goes off, but he obviously is unconscious and cannot answer it. The text from the phone appears on screen, and reads "Mom: On the way home." Fade to black, and then credits._




	2. Girl, Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick's parents come home and find the aftermaths of the party, causing them to make an active commitment to start cracking down more on Patrick's behavior. Meanwhile, Sandy needs extra cash quick, and turns to becoming a model on a free sexual webcam website, only to find that someone who watched her on the site is from her school and is now blackmailing her.

  * _Scene opens to SpongeBob sitting on the couch, suddenly waking up to see a scantily-clad Sandy on top of him._
  * **SpongeBob** : Sandy? What are you-
  * **Sandy** : Shh. Just let it happen.
  * _Sandy leans in and begins kissing SpongeBob, falling on top of him. She unhooks her bra from the back as the camera angle shifts slightly and the two begin passionately making out._
  * **Sandy** : SpongeBob. SpongeBob?
  * _Cut to Patrick in front of a sleeping SpongeBob._
  * **Patrick** : SpongeBob!
  * **SpongeBob** : Gah!  _(suddenly wakes up)_  Gee, Patrick, you sure know how to kill a mood.
  * **Patrick** : My parents are gonna be home any minute. I already sent everyone else home, but I need you to help me clean up.
  * _SpongeBob looks around and sees the trashed house._
  * **SpongeBob** : Hot damn, what did we  _do_  last night?
  * **Patrick** : No idea, but if they come home and see this, I'm screwed.
  * **SpongeBob** : Wait a second. I'm still mad at you.
  * **Patrick** :  _(smiles)_  C'mon, you can't stay mad at me, Spongy. Remember the ring?
  * _Patrick pulls out his friendship ring which begins playing a familiar tune._
  * **Ring** :  _It's the best friends forever, best friends forever...RING!_
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(smiles back)_  You're right. I can't stay mad at you. Let's clean this up.
  * **Patrick** : I knew you'd come around.
  * _As soon as SpongeBob turns around to clean, Patrick begins muttering to himself._
  * **Patrick** : Heh, sucker. Now it'll be easier to clean all this shit up.
  * **SpongeBob** : What'd ya say, buddy?
  * **Patrick** : Nothing. Let's get cleaning!
  * _Patrick goes to another room and notices Squidward, the only other person left. He is lying face down with the word "FAG" written on his buttocks._
  * **Patrick** : Poor guy. Squidward? Squidward?
  * _Squidward doesn't wake up._
  * **Patrick** : Come on, Squidward, it's time to go.
  * _Patrick flips him around. What he sees is implied but considering his eyes go down and then immediately back up we can get a good idea._
  * **Squidward** : Wha?
  * **Patrick** :  _(red-faced)_  I, um...it's time to leave.
  * **Squidward** : Oh, alright? Where are my clothes?
  * **Patrick** : I don't know.
  * **Squidward** : I bet that bastard Squilliam has them.
  * _Squidward walks out, as Patrick still remains red in the face._
  * **Patrick** :  _(mutters to self)_  Who knew it could be so... _small_? No wonder he's a cherry.
  * _Cut back to the television in the living room, which is showing a scantily-clad female and a male pizza delivery fish, with a suggestive soundtrack in the background._
  * **Pizza Guy** : That'll be $16.
  * **Woman** : Oh, I don't have enough cash.  _(cut to close-up on cleavage)_  Guess I'll have to pay with something else...
  * **SpongeBob** : This should probably be turned off.  _(changes television to[Sponge Network](http://spongefan.wikia.com/wiki/Sponge_Network))_
  * _Squidward enters the living room, nude, and SpongeBob immediately notices the same detail Patrick did._
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(red-faced)_  Oh hey, um...Squidward. What are you doing here?  _(laughs nervously)_
  * **Squidward** : No one bothered to wake me up when everyone else was leaving.  _(yells to other room)_  Thanks for the party, Pat!
  * _Squidward grabs a pair of shorts on the floor and puts them on, then exiting._
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(mutters to self)_  Man, at least someone is smaller then me.
  * _Patrick re-enters._
  * **Patrick** : Uh, SpongeBob...there's a used rubber on the dance floor.
  * _Cut to close-up on condom, which also has other trash such as cigarettes and red solo cups surrounding it._
  * **SpongeBob** : Ew.
  * **Patrick** : I'm not touching that!
  * **SpongeBob** : Well, one of us has to.
  * _Long silence._
  * **SpongeBob** : Whatever, I'll just go get the broom.
  * **Patrick** : Good idea.
  * _While SpongeBob is getting the broom, Patrick pulls a cigarette and lighter out of his back pocket, lights the cigarette, and takes a long drag off of it. He then starts nodding off, staring out the window._
  * **Patrick** : Ah, SpongeBob...what would I do without ya?
  * _Patrick is knocked out of his daze when he gets another text on his phone. Pulling it out and reading the text, the screen says "Mom: Pulling into the driveway right now :)". He then sees his mom and dad's car pulling into the driveway._
  * **Patrick** : Oh, shit!  _(yells)_  SPONGEBOB!
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(from the other room)_  Yeah? I can't find the broom...
  * **Patrick** : Forget the broom, my  _parents_  are in the driveway!
  * **SpongeBob** : What?!
  * _Patrick and SpongeBob begin frantically cleaning, in between shots of the car pulling in and Patrick's mom and dad getting out of the car. SpongeBob manages to pick up the last piece of trash as his parents turn the key to the front door. SpongeBob and Patrick breathe a sigh of relief as Patrick's parents enter._
  * **Patrick's Dad** : We're home!
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Oh, hey, SpongeBob's here. Nice to see you, SpongeBob.
  * **SpongeBob** : Nice to see you too, Mrs. Star.
  * **Patrick's Dad** :  _(setting bags down)_  You boys didn't throw a wild party, did you?
  * **Patrick** : No, of course not! Right, SpongeBob?
  * **SpongeBob** : Right. We wouldn't do something like that, hehe. I mean, how would we clean it up in time?
  * _Patrick's mom and dad chuckle._
  * **Patrick's Mom** : He's got a point.
  * **Patrick's Dad** : Ah, I've got a can I need to throw away.  _(heads to trash can)_
  * **Patrick** :  _(whispering to SpongeBob)_  Oh, damn it, the trash can! We put all that stuff in there!
  * **SpongeBob** : Maybe he won't notice.
  * **Patrick's Dad** : Hey, what's all this stuff in here? Is that...a vodka bottle?
  * **Patrick** : No, that's just sparkling water.
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah, they use similar packaging, hehe.
  * _Still trying to play it cool, SpongeBob accidentally hits the "LAST" button on the remote behind him, taking the TV back to porn. We don't actually see the screen, but the sighs and moans are back, as well as the suggestive soundtrack._
  * **Patrick's Mom** :  _(sternly) Boys...what's going on here?_ (hands on hips)
  * **Patrick** : Well, you see...um, well...
  * **Patrick's Mom** : I'm waiting.
  * **Patrick** : It's really a funny story-
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(suddenly yells out of guilt)_   **WE THREW A PARTY!**   _(covers mouth)_
  * _Patrick's mom and dad turn sternly to Patrick, as SpongeBob breaths a sigh of relief getting that off his chest._
  * **Patrick** : Oh, god dammit.
  * _Cut to Sandy arriving at her house. She uses the key and opens the front door._
  * **Sandy** : Mom? I'm home!
  * _Sandy looks around, but her mom is nowhere to be found. She goes into the kitchen, where a note is on the table. She picks up the note, and it reads "Dear Sandy: I'll be gone for a few days. Call me if you need anything. Love, Mom"._
  * **Sandy** : Ugh.  _Another_  vacation with the man of the week? I'm pretty sure she's just using him for his money.
  * _Sandy begins searching in drawers for money, but finds nothing._
  * **Sandy** : Damn, she took all the cash. Now what am I going to do?
  * _Sandy suddenly has an idea. She goes to the home computer in the living room and does a search for "quick ways to make cash". A popup ad appears, reading "Free Cam Girls - Easy Money. Are you over 18?", with options for "Yes" and "No"._
  * **Sandy** : Am I over 18?  _(pause)_  Well, I'm close enough.
  * _Sandy clicks the "Yes" button, leading her to a site full of scantily-clad girls (some of which are blurred), with options to "Chat", "Private Chat", and "Message"._
  * **Sandy** : This looks easy enough.
  * _She clicks over to the "Sign Up" portion, where another confirmation is required to confirm she's over 18. Again she lies, and then a screen requiring her to type in her personal info appears._
  * **Sandy** : Should I use my real name?  _(pause)_  Nah.
  * _Instead of her real name, Sandy types in "Sally Delusion"._
  * **Sandy** : Yeah, Sally Delusion. I like that.
  * _She types in the rest of her info (including her mailing address to receive her paychecks), and a screen appears, turning her webcam on. She is on one side, with a chat on the other side labeled "SallyDelusion's Room". Immediately people begin to enter the room._
  * **Sandy** : What do I do now? Do I just...strip?
  * _Suggestions begin filling the chat such as "flash us" and "pull your panties off"._
  * **Sandy** : Well, okay.
  * _Sandy begins pulling her top off, showing her bra to the audience. The chat continues dinging, and a box appears reading she's received a $5 donation from "hornyboy345", who also sends her a message reading "If you wanna keep that money, take it all off."_
  * **Sandy** : Wow, this is really easy.
  * _Sandy begins to remove the straps of her bra as the camera cuts back to Patrick, sitting with his angry mom and dad._
  * **Patrick's Mom** : You have no idea how much trouble you're in, young man!
  * **Patrick** : Oh, come on, don't deny you didn't do this kind of stuff when you were a teenager!
  * **Patrick's Mom** : No! Well, yes, but...god dammit!
  * _Patrick's mom and dad storm off angrily._
  * **Patrick** : Eh, they get like this sometimes. In the morning we'll all group hug and everything will be okay.
  * **SpongeBob** : I don't know, Pat, they seem pretty pissed.
  * _Patrick and SpongeBob look back at the unseen TV, with the porn still going._
  * **Patrick** : Squilliam had a point, that one does look like Squidward's mom.
  * **SpongeBob** : Oh, that's a terrible thing to...wait, yeah, it kinda does.
  * **Patrick** : Maybe he should ask her about it.
  * _Scene cuts to Sandy in her room. "In the Dark" by Dev plays during this sequence. She is seen from the back, dancing topless in front of the webcam. Her computer continues to ding to signal that she is receiving tips. Cut to the chat, which is full of sexually suggestive comments such as "let me see it all baby". Suddenly a new message appears: "Voyeur345 took a snapshot." Cut back to Sandy, who starts to pull off her underwear, camera panning down to her legs as the camera cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick, with Patrick's mom and dad now back._
  * **Patrick's Mom** : We realize now, Patrick, that you're doing this because you want our attention.
  * **Patrick** : What?
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Well, you certainly have it now. Your dad has canceled his business trips for the next six months so that...
  * _The rest of what she says is tuned out by SpongeBob and Patrick both with their classic "surprised" faces on. Patrick's mom finishes her rather-long and unheard statement and leaves the room with his dad._
  * **Patrick** : SpongeBob, you absolute  _moron_.
  * **SpongeBob** : What?! What did I do?!
  * **Patrick** : You're the one who blurted out we had a party!
  * **SpongeBob** : I can't help my conscience! And they would've found out from all the clues you left anyways!
  * **Patrick** : You're the one who left those clues, dumbass!
  * **SpongeBob** : You're the dumbass!
  * **Patrick** : But you...fine, you know what? I don't deserve to be treated like this. Get the hell out of my house!
  * **SpongeBob** : Fine!
  * _SpongeBob stomps towards the door, and starts to open it before coming up with a hilarious comeback that he must absolutely say._
  * **SpongeBob** : KNOCK KNOCK!
  * **Patrick** : WHO'S THERE?
  * **SpongeBob** : **FUCK YOU!**
  * **Patrick** : **FUCK YOU TOO!**
  * _SpongeBob angrily slams the door. Patrick sighs and glances at the TV, which still has porn on. He changes the channel._
  * **Television Person #1** : 37. My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
  * **Television Person #2** : In a row?
  * _Cut back to Sandy sitting on her bed, finally turning her webcam off, minimizing the window on her laptop and putting her shirt back on._
  * **Sandy** : That was so easy. Why doesn't everyone do this? Well, at least now I know I'm going to have some cash.
  * _Sandy stands up to go get a glass of water, and the screen cuts back to the chat she minimized._
  * _Sexfiend32: You got it?_
  * _Naughtyboy65: Yep, I got it. This slut's gonna be in for a real surprise._
  * _Cut to a bell ringing. It is now the next day, and SpongeBob and Patrick are at their lockers, which just so happen to be right across from each other. SpongeBob turns to Patrick._
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm not speaking to you.
  * **Patrick** : I'm not speaking to you either.
  * **SpongeBob** : Hmmph.
  * **Patrick** : Hmmph.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _Hmmph._
  * **Patrick** :  _Hmmph!_
  * **SpongeBob:** HMMPH!
  * _The "hmmph" contest is interrupted by the loud sound of Sandy weeping. SpongeBob and Sandy run down the hall to Sandy's locker to investigate. Sandy is crying, with Pearl by her side as other people look in awe. Three photos, which are blurred (but quite obvious as to what they are), are taped to her locker._
  * **Sandy** :  _(in between sobs)_  Why would somebody do this?
  * **Pearl** : I don't know, hon. I don't know.  _(turns to group of boys standing behind)_  Listen up, scumbags! If I find out  _any_  of you were even remotely involved in this, I'll slice all your pathetic excuses for dicks off one by one and sell them on the black market.
  * **Larry** : Now, now. There's no need for that, because none of us were involved in this. Right, guys?
  * **Patrick** : Right.
  * _Larry and Patrick make nervous eye contact for a few seconds, then look away._
  * **Squidward** : Who would do something like this to Sandy?
  * **SpongeBob** : I don't know. What I want to know is how they got the photos.
  * **Squidward** : A phone hack, maybe? I've seen this kind of thing happen to celebrities, so I guess someone could hack into Sandy's phone if they wanted.
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm sure they could, but the question is... _why?_
  * **The "My Leg" Guy** : Maybe it's-
  * _Patrick kicks the "my leg" guy._
  * **The "My Leg" Guy** : My leg!
  * **Larry** :  _(whispering to Patrick)_  What'd you do that for?
  * **Patrick** : No particular reason, I just like hearing him say it.  _(chuckles)_
  * **Pearl** : Do you think we should tell the principal, Sandy?
  * **Sandy** : But I don't want him seeing...
  * **Pearl** : What's more important here: the principal seeing your breasts, or your safety?
  * **Sandy** :  _(sniffles)_  My safety, I guess.
  * **Pearl** : Alright, let's go.  _(points towards boys again, making them jump)_  Remember my warning!  _(bell rings)_  Get your asses in class.
  * _All the boys listen to her warning as Pearl takes Sandy to the principal's office, taking the nude photos off the locker along the way._
  * **Principal** : Ah, Sandy and Pearl. What brings you in here?
  * **Pearl** : Ms. Applebottom, we have a real problem. Someone taped naked photos of Sandy to her locker.  _(puts naked photos on desk)_
  * **Principal** :  _Naked photos?_  Why on earth did you take naked photos of yourself, Ms. Cheeks?
  * **Pearl** : That isn't the real issue here.
  * **Principal** : Don't you know how dangerous that kind of behavior is, Ms. Cheeks?! I expect more of you!
  * **Sandy** :  _(mutters, looking down)_  I understand.
  * **Principal** : Speak up!
  * **Sandy** :  _(looks up and speaks louder)_  I understand.  _(puts head down again)_
  * **Principal** : Well, I'm glad that's settled.
  * **Pearl** :  _(angrily, slamming hands on desk)_  You didn't settle a goddamn thing! Someone out there is trying to humiliate Sandy and you're acting like you don't even-
  * **Principal** : Ms. Krabs. I will not be spoken to that in that tone! Apologize, now, or I'm calling your father.
  * **Pearl** :  _(mutters)_  I'm sorry.
  * **Principal** : What was that? Say it louder.
  * **Pearl** :  _(louder)_  I'm sorry!
  * **Principal** : Alright, we have that settled. Any other concerns?
  * **Pearl** : No, we'll be going now.  _(drags Sandy towards the front door)_
  * **Principal** : Oh, and Ms. Cheeks? I certainly hope you've learned your lesson.
  * _Pearl and Sandy exit. Pearl slams the door behind her, and they start walking away. Once they get to the hallway, Pearl starts speaking again._
  * **Pearl** : That  _bitch._
  * **Sandy** : I can't believe she treated me like that. Just a couple of naked photos and she acted like I was the school slut!
  * **Pearl** : Sandy, where  _did_  those photos come from, anyways?
  * **Sandy** : I, um...I'll tell you later. Gotta get to Algebra.  _(starts running in the opposite direction)_
  * **Pearl** : Hmm. That's strange. When has Sandy ever cared about getting to class?
  * _Pearl shrugs and continues walking down the hallway. Cut to credits._




	3. Road Rager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While having a good ol' drunken night out, SpongeBob and Patrick see an unlocked car parked on the side of the road. SpongeBob, despite not having any drivers' license (and being unfit for driving in general), decides to steal it and drive it to Sandy's house, on the other side of town, by any means necessary. Patrick agrees, and together they embark on an adventure of epic proportions. (By which I mean they crash into every building in town.)

  * _Episode opens to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street. It is dark outside, and they both are notably fidgety and having trouble maintaining balance._
  * **Patrick** : Man, it's been a while since I've had some good hard liquor like that. My parents, man...
  * **SpongeBob** : Oh yeah, that whole thing. How's that going? Did they forgive and forget?
  * **Patrick** : Hell no. They've really been cracking down on me, making sure I don't miss a day of school, don't have any liquor, shit like that.
  * **SpongeBob** : Sounds rough.
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, I know. And my little cousins came over, and they wanted to play  _Gold Theft Travel V_...
  * **SpongeBob** : The game where you can have sex with a hooker and then kill her to get your money back?
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, that one. Good game, but rated M for a reason. I told them they couldn't play, and my mom insisted that they could because it was just a game.
  * **SpongeBob** : I can see this not ending well.
  * **Patrick** : It didn't. They went into one of the strip clubs, and my mom got pissed at me for even owning such a game. She made me throw it away.
  * **SpongeBob** : Holy crap.
  * **Patrick** : I know, but I dug it out of the trash later. And I had to lie to even hang with you tonight, said we were studying or something.  _(pulls out a cigarette and lights it)_
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(pauses)_  Hey...wasn't I mad at you for something the other day?
  * **Patrick** :  _(thinks for a second, taking a drag)_  Nah.
  * _SpongeBob and Patrick continue walking, until they see something that catches their eye: a shiny red car parked alone by the side of the road._
  * **SpongeBob** : Whoa.
  * _SpongeBob and Patrick get closer to the car. Patrick grabs the handle on the front car door, and to his surprise, it opens._
  * **Patrick** : Someone must be really stupid.
  * **SpongeBob** : Or really trusting.
  * **Patrick** : You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
  * **SpongeBob** : Let's do this.
  * _Patrick takes the cover off the steering wheel, connects some wires inside, and revs the engine. The car starts. SpongeBob enters the passenger seat._
  * **SpongeBob** : Wait...where should we go?
  * **Patrick** : I have an idea. How about Sandy's house?
  * **SpongeBob** : Sandy's house? Why?
  * **Patrick** :  _(chuckles)_  To pop your cherry.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _What?!_  But I don't have a condom!
  * _Patrick opens his wallet to reveal a large supply of condoms._
  * **Patrick** : You always gotta be safe. Let's do this!
  * _Patrick starts driving. Cue a montage of him nearly avoiding crashes with other drivers, flipping off pedestrians, taking his hands off the wheel for smoke breaks and other such bad driving etiquette as SpongeBob covers his eyes. "Bad Habit" by The Offspring plays in the background during this._
  * **Patrick** : Well, here we are!
  * _Camera zooms out to show...the middle of nowhere._
  * **SpongeBob** : This isn't Sandy's house.
  * **Patrick** : I know, I was just trying to be optimistic. I don't have a clue how to get to Sandy's house.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _What?_  Then why did you suggest going?
  * **Patrick** : I don't know! It seemed like a good idea at the moment.
  * **SpongeBob** : Wait, I have a map app on my phone, I think.  _(pulls phone out)_  Damn it!
  * **Patrick** : What?
  * **SpongeBob** : No bars.
  * **Patrick** : Try holding it higher!
  * **SpongeBob** : It doesn't work like that.  _(sigh)_  Well, now we're stranded in the middle of nowhere.
  * **Patrick** : It could be worse.
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah? How could it be worse?
  * **Patrick** : We could be in Rock Bottom.
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah, I guess that'd be pretty bad.  _(chuckles)_
  * _With that, a sign in front of them gets the sand blown off of it by wind and reveals "WELCOME TO ROCK BOTTOM"._
  * **Patrick** : Uh...we could be bald and have a big nose?
  * **SpongeBob** : This isn't good. We've gotta get out of here.
  * _Patrick tries to start the engine again, but it doesn't work. He then notices the fuel is on "E"._
  * **Patrick** : Um...would this be a bad time to tell you we're out of fuel?
  * **SpongeBob** : Oh my god. Tell me you're joking.
  * _Patrick remains silent._
  * **SpongeBob** : Why the  _hell_  didn't we get gas earlier?
  * **Patrick** : I don't know. Neither of us were quite sober earlier. Hell, I'm still not really feeling sober.
  * **SpongeBob** : Well, I guess we should try and catch a bus.
  * **Patrick** : Yeah. I heard the people in this town speak some kind of foreign language, though. I'm not good with foreign people.
  * **SpongeBob** : You're aware of how racist that sounds, right?
  * **Patrick** : Yep. You go up to the guy over there.
  * _Patrick gesters towards a one-eyed green man with his tongue sticking out._
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm scared.
  * **Patrick** : Don't be such a cherry!  _(pushes SpongeBob towards man)_
  * **SpongeBob** : Um, hello there...I um...need to know when the next bus is coming.
  * **One-Eyed Man** :  _(raspberry)_  What?
  * **SpongeBob** : The next bus to Bikini Bottom.
  * **One-Eyed Man** : I can't  _(raspberry)_  understand  _(raspberry)_  your accent.  _(raspberry)_
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(sigh)_  The next  _(raspberry)_  bus  _(raspberry)_  to Bikini  _(raspberry)_  Bottom.  _(raspberry)_
  * **One-Eyed Man** : Oh.  _(raspberry)_  Why didn't you just say so?  _(raspberry)_  Next bus leaves in  _(raspberry)_  five seconds.
  * _Before SpongeBob has time to react, the bus behind him takes off with Patrick chasing after it._
  * **One-Eyed Man** : Oh, tough luck, kid.  _(raspberry)_  That's the last one till morning.  _(raspberry)_
  * **SpongeBob** : Oh, damn it all!  _(storms off)_
  * **One-Eyed Man** : What a strange  _(raspberry)_  kid.
  * _Cut to SpongeBob standing at the bus stop angry with Patrick coming towards him panting and out of breath._
  * **Patrick** : I chased that bus for a half-mile and still nothing!
  * **SpongeBob** : Obviously. Did you really think you could outrun a bus?
  * **Patrick** :  _(sigh)_  Maybe I'm a bit too cocky at times.  _(pulls out lighter and cigarette)_  Well, now what are we gonna do? _(lights cigarette and takes drag)_
  * **SpongeBob** : Well...I guess I'm not popping the cherry tonight.
  * **Patrick** : Hey, don't say that! We could still get out of here before morning.  _(takes drag)_
  * **SpongeBob** : How are we supposed to do that? We don't have a car, a bus, or anything. We're screwed.
  * **Patrick** : Not necessarily. We could-
  * **SpongeBob** : We could  _what_ , Patrick? Do you really think someone with a tank of gas is going to come crashing into us?
  * _With that statement, someone with a tank of gas comes crashing into SpongeBob._
  * **Patrick** : Man, you should think out loud more often.  _(chuckles)_
  * **SpongeBob** : Are you sure I can have this?
  * _The fish with the gas in his hand nods to SpongeBob, and SpongeBob runs off with the gas, but not before saying one last thing._
  * **SpongeBob** : Thank  _(raspberry)_  you!
  * **Fish** :  _(in normal voice)_  You're welcome.
  * _SpongeBob's eyes go wide, but he brushes it off. He gets his pump out of the back and starts pumping the gas in._
  * **Patrick** : And there's  _still_  time for you to pop the cherry!
  * **SpongeBob** : Wait, what? Patrick, I'm not sure...
  * **Patrick** : SpongeBob, if you don't go now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Then you're gonna die sad and alone.
  * **SpongeBob** : You don't know that!
  * **Patrick** : It's either that, or gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But you have to go to Sandy's tonight. For your own sake.
  * **SpongeBob** : What if she doesn't want to...ya know?
  * **Patrick** : Did you see the way she was hitting on you at the party? She clearly wanted it, but you were too busy looking in the other direction.
  * _SpongeBob has a flashback to the first episode, where Sandy says "Maybe they're closer then you think."_
  * **SpongeBob** : Oh god. I'm such an idiot.
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, you are. But this is your chance to redeem yourself! What do ya say?
  * _SpongeBob finishes pumping up the car and smiles at Patrick._
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm ready. But  _I'm_  driving this time.
  * **Patrick** : You? Do you even have a license?
  * **SpongeBob** : Learner's permit.
  * _Patrick snorts._
  * **Patrick** : You can't even drive a sandwich with one of those things! Not that you would ever need to.
  * _SpongeBob and Patrick enter the car. SpongeBob enters the driver's seat and Patrick starts to panic._
  * **Patrick** : Um, maybe I should just wait here for a bus...
  * **SpongeBob** : Nonsense. I know what I'm doing. I got a permit, after all.
  * **Patrick** : They'll hand those out to anyone who can say their ABC's!
  * **SpongeBob** : Will you just trust me?
  * _Patrick sighs as SpongeBob starts the car. Cue a montage of clips of SpongeBob driving like a maniac, with Patrick covering his eyes, yelling at SpongeBob, and in general being horrified as "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna plays in the background. The car stops at a blue house._
  * **SpongeBob** : Finally, we've made it.
  * **Patrick** : Remind me never to let you drive again.  _Ever._
  * **SpongeBob** : I don't think I did that bad, did I?
  * **Patrick** :  _(stammering in disbelief) I...you don't think...you..._ (sigh) _There's no hope for you, so I'm just going to say you didn't kill us, which is a plus._
  * _SpongeBob climbs up to a window of the house which appears to be Sandy's room as Patrick watches him from the ground. Inside Sandy is changing (we see her bra from the back). She turns around and jumps at SpongeBob's appearance. She then opens the window._
  * **Sandy** : SpongeBob! You scared the hell out of me!
  * **SpongeBob** : Sorry. Patrick brought me here.
  * **Sandy** : Why on earth would he do something like that? It's two in the morning! The only reason I'm still awake is because the midnight movie on Bikini Bottom TV ran late!
  * **SpongeBob** : He wanted me to...y'know...do  _things_.
  * **Sandy** :  _Things_? You gotta be more specific then that.
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(turns red)_  Well, um...he says that at the party, when I was trying to do  _things_...that you wanted to do _things_...and that you'd be willing to do  _things_  if I asked.
  * _Sandy loses confused for a second, then comes to the realization as to what SpongeBob is talking about._
  * **Sandy** : Ohh. Yes, it's true, I would've done  _things_  with you at the party. But I'm not sure if I'm...
  * **Patrick** :  _(yelling up)_  Just pop his cherry!
  * _Sandy sighs._
  * **Sandy** : Do you have...protection?
  * **SpongeBob** : Yeah, Patrick gave me some.
  * **Sandy** :  _(smiles)_  Then I'd be more then honored to be your first, Spongy.
  * _SpongeBob and Sandy begin kissing as SpongeBob closes the window. Patrick snickers from outside._
  * **Patrick** : Finally!
  * _Patrick's phone dings, and he turns it on to reveal a text from Larry._
  * _Larry's text: Are they doing it yet?_
  * _Patrick's reply: Yep._
  * _Larry's text: Remember the plan, alright?_
  * _Patrick's reply: Could never forget it. Ttyl._
  * _With that, Patrick turns his phone off, and the episode cuts to black, then credits._




	4. Trip to Tea City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The class trip to Tea City (the Bikini Bottom equivalent to England) has its ups and downs as Pearl finds an attractive accented boy, SpongeBob and Patrick get their class thrown out of a museum, and Sandy finds out her nude photos are still circulating as she finds one on a dating channel.

  * _Episode opens to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting on a bus, with various other students around them, all chatting._
  * **SpongeBob** : So...whose wallet did you steal to get to Tea City?
  * **Patrick** : Actually, I didn't steal any money this time. My parents actually paid my way here.
  * **SpongeBob** : Wow, really?
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, really. My dad said it'd be good for me to see other cultures or some shit.
  * **SpongeBob** : Lucky. I had to steal Frank's money to get the funds for this trip.
  * **Patrick** : You think he'll notice?
  * **SpongeBob** : Probably.  _(chuckles)_  I don't really care though.
  * **Patrick** : Y'know, for a cherry, you're pretty hardcore.  _(pulls out a pack of gum, removing a piece)_  Oh yeah, you're not a cherry anymore.  _(chuckles, unwraps the piece, and chews it)_
  * **SpongeBob** : You're chewing gum?
  * **Patrick** : Yeah.
  * **SpongeBob** : I've never seen you do that before.
  * **Patrick** : I just started this morning. I was in the gas station to get some smokes when...
  * _Patrick fades into a flashback, done seemingly in black and white. Patrick has a pack of cigarettes and five dollars in his hand, walking up to the clerk. A man with a briefcase is drinking coffee near him._
  * **Patrick** : Pack of cigarettes.
  * **Briefcase Man** : Are you sure?
  * **Patrick** :  _(confused)_  Am I sure?
  * **Briefcase Man** : Yes, are you sure?
  * **Patrick** : Am I sure about what?
  * **Briefcase Man** : Do you really want to buy those cigarettes?
  * **Patrick** : Are you serious?
  * **Briefcase Man** : How long have you been smoking?
  * **Patrick** :  _(turns to clerk)_  What is this, a poll?
  * **Clerk** : Beats me.
  * **Briefcase Man** : How long have you been a smoker?
  * **Patrick** : Since I was thirteen.
  * _Briefcase Man shakes his head, and pulls an unseen photo out of his briefcase, showing it to Patrick._
  * **Briefcase Man** : I'd say you're about sixteen, seventeen, right?
  * **Patrick** :  _(disgusted)_  What the hell is that?
  * **Briefcase Man** : That's your lung. After about three or four years of smoking, your lung looks like this.
  * **Patrick** : You're shittin' me!
  * **Briefcase Man** : You think I'm shitting you? Wait till you see this...
  * **Five minutes later...**
  * _Patrick has a horrified expression on his face as the man puts away his briefcase. He puts the cigarettes back and gets gum instead._
  * **Patrick** : I'll just take this.
  * **Clerk** : Fifty-five.
  * _Patrick hands him the money and gets the gum, walking out with a horrified shiver. Fade out of flashback and back to present._
  * **SpongeBob** : Wow.
  * **Patrick** : Back on the subject of you not being a cherry anymore...how did it go with Sandy?
  * **SpongeBob** : Um...it went okay, I guess.
  * **Patrick** : I need more details than that, Spongy. Did you go through the backdoor?
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(face turns red)_  Patrick!
  * **Patrick** : Well, did you?
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm not comfortable discussing this around our classmates!
  * **Patrick** : They've all got their headphones in. Well, except for Squidward, but he's asleep, I think. And a queer.
  * **SpongeBob** : Patrick!
  * **Patrick** : Hey, I didn't say there was anything wrong with being a queer. He just is one.
  * **SpongeBob** : Is he? He's never said so.
  * **Patrick** : He definitely is. The way he and Squilliam have that teasing relationship, there's no way something isn't going on between them.
  * **SpongeBob** : Should we ask him about it?
  * **Patrick** : Nah, let him think he's in the closet.  _(chuckles)_
  * _Cut to Sandy, who is listening to **Anaconda**  through her headphones and lightly humming to herself._
  * **Sandy** :  _(lightly to herself)_  My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.
  * _Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick._
  * **Patrick** :  _(whispering to SpongeBob)_  Has she seen her buns? We all have. She doesn't have much to speak of.
  * **SpongeBob** : Patrick!
  * **Patrick** : Just stating the truth. Did you have anything to grab when you were tearing her up?
  * _SpongeBob turns away from Patrick._
  * **Patrick** : Oh, for God's sake, not  _this_  again! Can't you think of any other methods besides the silent treatment?
  * **Ten minutes later...**
  * _SpongeBob is still turning away from Patrick._
  * **Patrick** : Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm just a little proud of my little virgin popping the cherry.
  * _SpongeBob turns toward Patrick with a smile._
  * **SpongeBob** : Apology accepted. Just knock it off with the sex stuff. I'll tell you later if I feel like it.
  * **Patrick** : Alright.  _(groans)_  Are we almost there?
  * **SpongeBob** : I'm sure we'll be there eventually.
  * _SpongeBob pulls out his MP3 player, putting one ear bud in his ear and another in Patrick's ear._
  * **Patrick** : Yes! I love this song!
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(singing along)_   _If you want to destroy my sweater..._
  * **Patrick** : (horribly off-key)Hold this thread, as I walk awaaay.
  * **SpongeBob** : Uh...maybe we shouldn't sing.
  * **Patrick** :  _(sigh)_  Don't expect me to be getting on  _Bikini Bottom Idol_.
  * **Bus Driver** :  _(loudly calling behind him)_  Alrighty, we're pulling in!
  * **Sandy** :  _(takes headphones out)_  Huh? Well, it's about time.
  * _The load of students all stand up as the bus stops in front of a hotel. A female teacher stands up as the bus doors fling open, trying to direct the students._
  * **Teacher** : Single-file line, everyone. Single-file.
  * _We see the students all chatter to themselves as they all load out of the bus, entering the hotel. Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Larry, and Squidward, seemingly all put in the same hotel room, unloading their luggage as the same teacher from before enters with papers._
  * **Teacher** : Alright, boys, we're heading for the museum in thirty minutes, then we're going out for dinner and shopping. After that will be up to you. You'll be allowed one pay-per-view movie, but you all have to agree on the movie, and no-
  * _Seemingly knowing what she was going to say, Patrick turns the television on and flips it to a preview channel of sorts. We don't actually see the screen, but a deep-voiced narrator gives the impression of the channel he's turned it to._
  * **Narrator** :  _New from Tea Babes: The hottest girls in the nastiest situations. You'll see it all, fully untamed and uncensored, in crystal-clear HD. See it before Ofcom shuts us down again! Only ten pence for six hours of-_
  * _The teacher snatches the remote from Patrick, turns the station off, then grabs him by the chest._
  * **Teacher** : So help me Neptune, Patrick Star, if you cause any funny business on this trip, I will not hesitate to send you home immediately with no refund to your parents. Are we clear?
  * **Patrick** :  _(gulps)_  Yes, ma'am.
  * _Cut to the class entering the museum. The room is very shiny and full of ancient artifacts._
  * **SpongeBob** : Wow, this place is pretty nice. You think so, Patrick?
  * _SpongeBob looks to his right, only to see Patrick's absence._
  * **SpongeBob** : Patrick?
  * _SpongeBob turns to see Patrick approaching a priceless artifact, giving it a good poke._
  * **Patrick** : Touch.
  * **Teacher** :  _(smacks Patrick's hand)_  Don't touch.
  * **Patrick** : Sorry, it's a habit.
  * **Teacher** : Alright, you've all got three hours to explore this museum. Don't be idiots. Stay in pairs if you can. And learn something!
  * _The class splits off into various pairs, excluding Pearl, who wanders off on her own. She strolls through various exhibits with a bored expression on her face for a while, until she reaches a boy standing outside of an exhibit with a similar expression on her face. Black hair, nice complexion - he's cute. Pearl suddenly takes interest and approaches the boy._
  * **Pearl** : Hey there.  _(wearing an over-the-top cheesy smile)_
  * **Boy** :  _(with thick French accent)_  Vat the hell are you doing that for?  _(laughs)_
  * _Pearl's face suddenly turns a bright red as she stumbles over her words._
  * **Pearl** : I, um...sorry, I just, was, um, trying to, um-
  * **Boy** :  _(laughs)_  No, no, I don't have a problem vith it. Just curious. I think it's a bit cute, actually.
  * **Pearl** : Oh! Well, I, uh...
  * _The boy places a finger on her mouth to shush her._
  * **Boy** : Vat's your name, girly?
  * **Pearl** :  _(whispering)_  I...I'm Pearl.
  * **Boy** : I'm Sébastien. It's nice to meet you, Pearl.
  * **Pearl** : Sébastien. I like it. So, what are you doing here?
  * **Sébastien** : I come here in my free time. Ven I'm not painting, that is. It really clears my mind; lets me think about the important things in life, you know? But I vasn't aware there was going to be a class here today. I've encountered a few, ah, vat is the English word...nincompoops.
  * _Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who are across from them, SpongeBob having to hold Patrick back from touching everything._
  * **SpongeBob** : What's gotten into you?
  * **Patrick** : I can't...help it! Must... _touch!_
  * _Cut back to Pearl and Sébastien, as Sébastien lets out a chuckle and Pearl rolls her eyes._
  * **Pearl** : Yeah, those two...I don't want to talk about it. I'm surprised they're even allowed on this trip.
  * _Pearl and Sébastien both laugh, then stand silently for a while before Sébastien speaks again._
  * **Sébastien** : Say, do you want to come with me...somevere?
  * **Pearl** : Depends on where that particular 'somevere' is.
  * **Sébastien** :  _(smirks)_  Playing hard to get, are we?
  * _Cut to Pearl and Sébastien kissing passionately in what appears to be a bathroom stall. Sébastien playfully twirls her blonde ponytail, before giving it a hard tug which causes Pearl to let out a deep moan._
  * **Pearl** : Is this French foreplay? I like it.
  * _Sébastien gives Pearl a mischievous smile. He unbuttons his shirt and presses himself against her, causing her to hit her head on the stall._
  * **Pearl** : Ouch!
  * **Sébastien** : Oh, sorry. Vat was an accident.
  * **Pearl** : It's fine. Keep going.
  * _Sébastien pulls Pearl's top off, leaving her clothed in purple lingerie. He's about to go farther when suddenly the bathroom door swings open, and the voice of none other than the group's teacher comes through._
  * **Teacher** : Pearl? Are you in here?
  * **Sébastien** :  _(whispering)_  You know her?
  * **Pearl** :  _(whispering)_  My teacher. This is bad.
  * **Teacher** : Pearl, I can hear you. What's going on?
  * **Pearl** : Um, nothing. I'm...uh, bleeding. Started my period.
  * **Teacher** : Let me be more specific. I hear  _two_  people in there. Anything you'd like to tell me?
  * **Pearl** : Uh...I have a talking va-
  * _Pearl can't even believe how ridiculous what she was about to say was. She and Sébastien crack up laughing._
  * **Teacher** : Did you seriously just... _(sigh)_  Look, I don't really care, but-
  * _The teacher's dialogue becomes muffled as the screen cuts back to Pearl, as Sébastien attempts to begin to kiss below her neck and pull at her lingerie. Pearl pushes him off, mouthing a 'not now, sorry'. Sébastien looks disappointed, but slips her a small sheet of paper out of his pocket. She looks at the paper and smiles at him._
  * **Teacher** :  _(fiercely)_  Pearl, come on!
  * _Pearl sighs and leaves the stall. As she closes the stall behind her and stands next to the teacher, the room falls silent for a couple seconds._
  * **Pearl** : Uh...are we gonna go?
  * **Teacher** :  _(smirking)_  No. I wanted to see who your Romeo was.
  * _Pearl's face quickly turns red as she looks at the floor._
  * **Teacher** : Come on, it's the least I get for not formally punishing you, right?
  * _Pearl opens her mouth to protest, but decides not to bother. The teacher doesn't budge and pounds on the stall door._
  * **Teacher** : Don't be shy!
  * _The boy comes out of the stall hesitantly, face also red and looking at the floor. He exits the bathroom without even taking a second look at Pearl._
  * **Pearl** :  _(angrily)_  Did you  _have_  to do that?
  * **Teacher** : Pearl, I want to help you. Here, let's talk somewhere more private.
  * _The teacher leaves the bathroom. Pearl hesitates but decides to follow behind her._
  * **Teacher** : Listen, I'm probably the person who can relate most to your situation, sweetheart. I understand you've got something deep down you're trying to drown out with sex.
  * **Pearl** :  _(outraged)_  What? Who the hell are you to psychoanalyze me?
  * _Pearl gets a sudden look of panic on her face. She slipped up. The teacher gives her a smirk that clearly reads 'gotcha!'._
  * **Teacher** : Psychoanalyze. That's a big word. See, Pearl, I know you're a bright girl; you don't want to be part of the nerdy crowd, though, do you? You just don't know how to fit in with the popular kids.
  * **Pearl** : Stop it!
  * **Teacher** : So you decide you can fake it to make it. You've made up this whole personality for yourself, Pearl, as a reckless girl who'll have an orgy at the drop of a hat. But I know that's not what you are.
  * _A shot of the teacher looking right into Pearl's eyes is seen. Pearl quickly shifts her eyes down to avoid eye contact._
  * **Teacher** : You can't live in denial of yourself forever, Pearl Krabs. One day it'll come back to bite you.
  * _The scene is silent for a couple seconds as Pearl and the teacher continue to walk through the museum towards the main entrance. Pearl, still confused about some of the situation, decides to speak again to the teacher, pretending like their previous conversation never happened._
  * **Pearl** : So, um...why exactly do we have to leave again?
  * **Teacher** : Your classmates SpongeBob and Patrick.
  * **Pearl** : Ugh, what did  _they_  do?
  * **Teacher** : SpongeBob drew various sets of male genitals on a famous painting.
  * **Pearl** : Lovely.
  * **Teacher** : And Patrick simply couldn't keep his hands to himself.
  * **Pearl** : Yeah, he has that problem with girls too.
  * _Pearl and the teacher both laugh. The teacher makes direct eye contact with Pearl again, and this time she doesn't dodge it. Pearl flashes a smile at her, and the teacher smiles back. Cut to the usual gang all crowded in the boys' hotel room - it's further from the teacher's. Smoke clouds the air, and everyone is laughing at something unknown._
  * **SpongeBob** : So, who's up for a party game? Truth or Dare?
  * **Patrick** :  _(laughs)_  Truth or Dare, SpongeBob? Are you ten years old?
  * **SpongeBob** :  _(embarrassed)_  N-no! Why do you always have to... _(sigh)_
  * **Patrick** : Sorry, SpongeBob, this isn't your Boy Scout troop.  _(turns television on)_  Who's up for some good ol' T&A?
  * **Larry** : That old witch is gonna kill us if we order a porno.
  * **Patrick** : Who said anything about ordering?
  * _Patrick clicks a few buttons on the remote, and suddenly we hear generic, romantically-toned music coming from the TV._
  * **Pearl** : Damn, she's  _naked_!
  * **Patrick** : I did my homework. Tea City lets these shows go out late at night for  _free_  where guys call and talk to naked chicks. Not quite up there with a real porno, but close enough.
  * _Patrick presses the 'channel up' button on the remote._
  * **Larry** : Aw, this one's just still images.
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, I - Sandy, holy mother of...!
  * _Sandy looks up, seemingly having been lost in her own world for a while. This kind of group debauchery isn't really her thing._
  * **Sandy** : Wha?
  * **Patrick** : Your tits are on the TV!
  * **Sandy** :  _What?_
  * _Sandy looks at the TV. She sees the famous nude picture of herself, with stars obscuring the nipples. The channel claims it's from a 29-year-old woman named Connie, who's into 'bondage, bigger girls, and having a good time'._
  * **SpongeBob** : Guys, that might not be her.
  * **Patrick** : No, no, I think we all remember that rack.
  * _The boys all erupt into laughter, with the exception of SpongeBob. Pearl doesn't laugh and gives a sympathetic look to Sandy._
  * **Sandy** : I...I do  _not_  look twenty-nine!
  * _Sandy runs out of the hotel room crying. Pearl gives an angry look back at the rest of the room, and chases behind her into the girls' room._
  * **Pearl** : Sandy, don't let them get to you. They're boys. Boys who are  _obsessed_  with boobs. And if it makes you feel any better, I didn't see SpongeBob laugh.
  * **Sandy** :  _(sniffles)_  Pearl, I'll be fine. I just...need a bit to pull myself together, alright?
  * **Pearl** : Alright.  _(yawn)_  I think I'm gonna hit the hay, actually. Today sort of kicked my ass.
  * **Sandy** : Sweet dreams.
  * _Sandy opens the bathroom door, enters, and locks it behind her. Pearl lies on her bed, lost in her thoughts of everything the teacher said to her._
  * **Pearl** :  _(whispering to herself)_  What if I am lying to myself? What if...this isn't who I am?
  * _The screen begins to go upwards, then white. Flashback time. We see images of Pearl winning various awards and getting straight As throughout elementary school. She takes her achievements home to her father, who has no reaction. He's upset about something. From the motions you can see him argue with an unidentified female shadow, which he then raises his fist toward in front of Pearl. The little girl Pearl looks in horror as it's implied that her father has socked the unknown woman right in the jaw._
  * **Pearl** :  _(whispering to herself)_  No. That's crazy. I'm meant to be me. I'm meant to be outrageous. I'm meant to push the limits. I'm Pearl Krabs, and this is my identity.
  * _Pearl turns in bed to her side._
  * **Pearl** :  _(whispering to herself)_  ...right?
  * _Cut back to Sandy in the bathroom. She's still very upset, and has now mostly disrobed - leaving her in her lingerie/undergarments, and revealing various scars on her body that are easily hidden with clothing. Scars that were clearly put there on purpose. Scars intended to punish for not being good enough._
  * **Sandy** : I just will never be enough, will I?
  * _Sandy looks at herself in the mirror, and frowns. She pulls a granola bar out of her suit pocket. The longingly look she gives over a simple granola bar says volumes - it's been a while she's let herself eaten something as seemingly indulgent as a granola bar. She takes a glance at the nutrition facts on the back._
  * **Sandy** : Okay. Not bad at all. I'm going to do this. I deserve this, just like anyone else does.
  * _She holds the bar up to her mouth, but hesitates. Whipping out her phone, she goes to her photos, where dozens of photos of almost deadly-thin girls and models appear. Scrolling through the photos, Sandy has a look of admiration on her face - grabbing her thigh, she frowns. To the viewers, it looks quite thin, but to her, it looks like imperfection. She's simply not there yet, whatever 'there' means to her. Would she ever be 'there'?_
  * **Sandy** : I'll try harder tomorrow.
  * _With a sigh, Sandy takes the granola bar, removes the wrapper, and throws it in the trash. She takes the actual granola bar and flushes it down the toilet. We watch it go down as the episode fades to black, and the credits roll._




	5. Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Squidward comes out to his parents as "confused" about his sexuality, he is thrown out of the house by his father. He then attempts to room with various friends, finding on his own while attempting to live with them that none of them really lead peaceful lives.

  * _The episode opens to a shot of Squidward, lying on a bed in a dark room seemingly nude from the waist up. Another squid climbs on top of him - a female squid, with blonde hair, scantily-clad - Squilvia. The two begin kissing passionately as "Summer Breeze" by The Isley Brothers plays in the background._
  * **Squilvia** : Oh, Squidward...you're so good...
  * _Cut to a shot of Squillvia traveling through Squidward's open tentacles, seemingly working her way up to his mouth as the screen cuts to a shot of curtains. When it cuts back, we see Squidward and Squilvia finally stop kissing, and Squidward suddenly get a puzzled expression on his face. Squilvia has seemingly morphed into none other then Squilliam Fancyson, who pulls Squidward back into a kiss before he can question what's going on._
  * **Squidward** : Wait...this isn't right.
  * **Squilliam** : Oh, but you know it  _feels_  right.
  * _We get another shot of the two males passionately kissing, both seen from the waist up. Squidward caresses Squilliam, letting him melt in his arms as the two kiss. We see another shot of their legs as Squilliam passionately moans. Panning back up, Squilliam has morphed back into Squilvia, who stops kissing him and gives him a serious look._
  * **Squilvia** : You have to make a choice, Squidward.
  * **Squidward** : Wha...?
  * _Squidward begins to realize something weird is going on. The screen becomes blurry as the two continue kissing, only for Squilvia to change into Squilliam again._
  * **Squilliam** : Who's it going to be?
  * _The music suddenly stops as the scene cuts out to Squidward, suddenly awoken from his bizarre dream, sweating as he sits up in bed._
  * **Squidward** :  _(out of breath)_  Good Lord, that's the third time this week. What's... _wrong_  with me? I have to tell someone about this.
  * _Cut to a shot of eggs in a frying pan. The screen zooms out to reveal Squidward's mother, a classy lady, is making breakfast while Squidward's father is reading the paper at the kitchen table. We see Squidward enter the kitchen and the two both turn their attention to him with a smile._
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Ah, there's my boy!
  * **Squidward's Mom** :  _(rolls her eyes)_  Good almost afternoon. It's about time you woke up.
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Hey, you know teenagers.  _(chuckles)_
  * **Squidward** : Hey Mom, Dad.  _(sits down at kitchen table)_
  * **Squidward's Mom** : How do you want your eggs?
  * **Squidward** : Er, over-easy.
  * _Squidward's mom flips the egg in the frying pan again, and the room is silent for a couple of seconds._
  * **Squidward** : So...there's something I'd like to talk to you both about.
  * **Squidward's Mom** : What is it, dear?
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Lady troubles?  _(chuckles)_
  * **Squidward** : Er, something like that. You see, er...I've actually been wondering if I  _should_  be with the ladies or not.
  * _Squidward's mom suddenly stops and stares at him. His dad does similar._
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Uh...hehe, son...you'd best be careful how you word things like that. For a second there, I thought you might be...
  * **Squidward** : Gay? Well, I don't know.
  * _The room falls silent again. Suddenly, the hand of Squidward's dad reaches over and socks Squidward straight in the jaw. Squidward falls over and moans in pain._
  * **Squidward's Dad** : There, now you know.
  * **Squidward's Mom** : Richard!
  * **Squidward's Dad** : I'm not having a queer son, sweetheart. If our boy thinks he's a fairy, well then, it's my job to fix that. Right after breakfast we're gonna go shoot some hoops. And if that doesn't work, then we'll go to a sports bar. Shit, I'll buy the boy a hooker if it means he realizes he needs to cut the gay crap out.
  * _Squidward stands up with an angry expression on his face towards his father._
  * **Squidward** : I never said I was gay. I only said that I didn't know. I'm... _confused_. And no amount of sports bars or hookers is going to change that.
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Oh, you're  _confused_? Well, let me settle this for you: you like girls. End of story.
  * **Squidward** : No.
  * **Squidward's Dad** :  _(standing up)_  Oh, no?
  * _Squidward gets closer to his father's face._
  * **Squidward** : That's right, no. You don't get to make this decision for me. I'm my own person, and I'll be whoever I want to be.
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Not in this house you won't. Until I hear you say 'I'm straight', I want you out of here.
  * **Squidward's Mom** :  _(upset)_   _Richard!_
  * **Squidward** : Well then, I guess neither of you will be seeing me for a while.  _(stands up and heads out the door)_
  * **Squidward's Dad** : Are you seriously going to leave the house over this homo junk?
  * **Squidward** : Eeyup.  _(slams the front door behind him)_
  * _Squidward stands outside of the front door for a second, hearing his parents' muffled arguing._
  * **Squidward** : Let's see...where am I going to go?  _(thinks for a second)_  Well, I guess Patrick's got the closest house, so it would make sense to stay there, but...Patrick... _(cringes)_  Ah, I've got no other choice.
  * _Squidward pulls out his phone and begins dialing._
  * **Squidward** : Please pick up.
  * _Screen cuts to Patrick, lying down on his bed blowing smoke rings with a pipe full of an unknown substance. "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine plays in the background as Patrick notices his phone ringing and picks it up reluctantly._
  * **Patrick** : Hello?
  * **Squidward** : Patrick, is it okay if I stay over?
  * **Patrick** : What the hell kind of question is that?  _(blows a ring)_
  * **Squidward** : My parents kicked me out of the house because they found out I'm...confused.
  * **Patrick** :  _Confused_? So wait, you're not a straight-up homo?
  * **Squidward** :  _(angrily)_  You don't have to put it like that!
  * **Patrick** : Hey, don't give me any shit about how I phrase my terms, kay? Do you want to stay over or not?
  * **Squidward** : Well, yes, but... _(sigh)_
  * **Patrick** : I'm sure my parents will be happy to have you so they can have a good child to compare me to. Just show up at the front door and they'll be all over you once you tell them-  _(sound of stairs shuffling)_  Shit, I can't talk anymore. Just go ahead and show up.
  * _Patrick clicks off the phone, sticks the pipe in his mattress, and turns the music off as fast as he can while opening a textbook on his nightstand. Cut back to Squidward heading towards Patrick's house._
  * **Squidward** : Well...this isn't ideal, but it's all I've got.
  * _As Squidward gets closer to the door, he is beaten by Patrick's parents. Patrick's mom in particular gives Squidward a particularly tight hug._
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Oh, Squidward, dear, it's so nice to see you again.
  * **Patrick's Dad** : Patrick told us about your parents.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : I can hardly believe it. I didn't think they'd be the type to be so close-minded. I'm going to get your mother on the phone as soon as possible.
  * **Squidward** : Well, it was mostly my father, actually...anyways, nice to see you both.
  * _Squidward enters the house, where he can see everything has been freshly cleaned in preparation for his arrival. Patrick's mom heads towards the stairs._
  * **Patrick's Mom** :  _(yelling upstairs)_  Patrick! Come say hello to Squidward!
  * **Patrick** :  _(muffled)_  Um, I'm a little busy right now.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Doing  _what_ , exactly?
  * **Patrick** : Um... _(cough)_...homework.
  * **Patrick's Mom** :  _(angrily)_  Patrick Star!  _(lowers tone and turns toward father)_  Honey, go check on your son.
  * **Patrick's Dad** : He doesn't listen to me, though.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : He doesn't listen to either one of us, just do it.
  * **Patrick's Dad** : I just don't feel comfortable with...some of the things he says to me. The other day he called me a pussy.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Well, if you don't get your butt up there I'm almost inclined to agree with him!
  * **Patrick's Dad** : But... _(sigh)_
  * _Patrick's dad heads up the stairs as Patrick's mom turns her attention towards Squidward again._
  * **Patrick's Mom** : You need anything, dear? I can put the kettle on for some tea, or...
  * **Squidward** : Tea would be nice.  _(smiles)_
  * **Patrick's Dad** :  _(yelling from upstairs)_  HONEY, HE'S GONE!
  * **Patrick's Mom** :  _What?!_   _(drops tea kettle on foot)_  Ah, son of a bitch!  _(looks at Squidward, still holding her foot in pain)_  Sorry about that...I just can't believe he's gone again. That's the third time this week.
  * **Squidward** : Have you ever considered locking his window down or something?
  * _Patrick's dad begins to head down the stairs._
  * **Patrick's Dad** : We tried. He broke through the chains.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : With his  _teeth_.
  * **Squidward** : Wow.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Should we call the police?
  * **Patrick's Dad** : It's no use. He'll come back anyways and make us look like fools.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Why does he  _always_  have to do this?
  * **Patrick's Dad** : He hates us. I don't blame him. We're shitty parents.
  * **Patrick's Mom** : Don't say that. We're doing our best here. I just... _(turns away, sniffling)_
  * **Squidward** : Um, should I...go?
  * **Patrick's Dad** : No, you don't have to go. Do you have any way of getting ahold of Patrick?
  * **Squidward** : Yeah, I have his number.  _(pulls out phone and walks off to a quiet place)_
  * **Patrick** :  _Hello?_
  * **Squidward** : Patrick, where are you?
  * **Patrick** : Did my parents put you up to this?
  * **Squidward** : Your mother is  _crying_  right now, you asshole! What are you doing?
  * **Patrick** : Squidward, don't be a goody-two-shoes, alright? I'll come home when I feel like it.
  * **Squidward** : Patrick, would you just-  _(dial tone begins on the other line)_  Why did I even bother?
  * _Cut to later that night. Squidward is lying in Patrick's bed asleep, not expecting him to come home, when suddenly Patrick busts through the door with a female companion._
  * **Patrick** : Squidward? What the hell are you doing in my bed?
  * **Squidward** :  _(groggily)_  Sleeping.
  * **Patrick** : Ew, you totally gayed it up in here.  _(pushes Squidward off the bed, causing him to yelp)_  You'd best get out of here, unless you're into voyeurism. There's a blanket and a pillow on the living room couch for you.
  * **Squidward** : Are you kidding me right now?
  * **Patrick** : Nope.  _(begins kissing and undressing his female companion)_
  * **Squidward** : Well, tell your parents I left in the morning. I've decided I'd rather be homeless then live with a prick like you.
  * **Patrick** : Yeah, whatever.
  * _Squidward walks out angrily, as we get one last shot of Patrick pulling a white capsule out of his pocket and dropping it in the girl's beer can. He grabs her rear as the scene cuts back to Squidward outside of Patrick's house._
  * **Squidward** :  _(shivers)_  Man, it's cold out. I've gotta find  _somewhere_  to stay. Hopefully not all my friends are completely dysfunctional, right? Let's see, my second closest friend is...Sandy? Yeah, I think that's right.
  * _Before Squidward can dial Sandy's number, his phone rings in his pocket. He picks it up to hear the frantic voice of Pearl._
  * **Pearl** : Squidward, I need you!
  * **Squidward** : ...Uh, for what exactly?
  * **Pearl** : It's Sandy. There's scars on her wrists, she's hyperventilating, she won't eat, her parents aren't home, and...oh, god, Squidward, I can't do this on my own.
  * **Squidward** : Whoa, whoa, slow down. How long has this been going on?
  * **Pearl** : She posted a status update two hours ago saying she couldn't live anymore. I haven't gotten the full extent of what's going on, but looking through her Internet history, someone spread the nude pictures of her to 6chan.
  * **Squidward** : 6chan? That anonymous imageboard?
  * **Pearl** : Yeah, there. I guess she just sort of lost it knowing there were hundreds of Internet strangers calling her a slut.
  * **Squidward** : Ugh, if I could get my hands on the bastard who's doing this to her...have you called for an ambulance?
  * **Pearl** : Should I? I was hoping you could calm her down maybe. Sandy's always had a fear of hospitals, they make her feel weak. I don't want to do that to her...
  * **Squidward** : Why me specifically?
  * **Pearl** : SpongeBob didn't even sound sober when I tried to call him, Larry gave more of a shit about his weight training, and Patrick's a dick.
  * **Squidward** : What about your dad?
  * **Pearl** : He's asleep. And trust me, you do  _not_  want to wake my dad once he's gotten into a deep sleep. Also, you took those classes on mental health, right?
  * **Squidward** : Yeah, I did. I might know something to do. I'll be right over, just keep her from hurting herself right now, okay?  _(clicks off phone)_  Well, this night just took an unexpected turn...
  * _As Squidward looks into the distance, the episode fades to black, then credits._




End file.
